On Autopilot and Overcoming Binge Eating

I saw my nutritionist last week, and I was really surprised at my weigh-in. I weighed 124 pounds, and that number astounded me. Here I was not weighing myself everyday and not counting calories, but I still lost weight? It was so unreal.

The yellow line is my fat weight line. My nutritionist uses a different way to test body fat than my last body fat results. But the decline in fat is still evident. And this isn't even the full picture. I weighed 148 when I first starting seeing her, but my highest weight was 182.

This outcome is good and bad: good- because I know my autopilot is working; bad- because it could cause me to test the boundaries and slack off on my healthy eating ways. I do have a tendency to see how much I can get away with. And that is where I think quarterly check-ins will do me good. I plan on seeing the nutritionist in three months. I will try to keep up with the same autopilot and see where I land in a few months! But so far so good.

I have also started to look into how to cope with a binge eating disorder. Sometimes it is hard for me to tell whether I am hungry or anxious, since both feelings originate from the gut and cause jitteriness. And at times, I want to eat ALL THE FOOD. I can be at a concession stand and just eye in want at ALL THE FOOD... food that I don't typically eat: m&ms, peanuts, ice cream, pizza, chicken strips and fries... ALL THE FOOD. I hardly ever get the concession stand food, but every time I walk away my overall food anxiety raises just a tad. And then when that stress level reaches the edge of the glass: food watch out.

I also think about food all the time: whether it's determining my hunger level or holding back the walls of a food binge. I want to stop thinking about food. I just want to eat, but my brain is always firing. I am constantly thinking: "what next do I eat" "I ate too much yesterday" "It's okay, today is another day (but I circle back to: I ate too much yesterday)" "Am I really hungry or bored or nervous?" I just ate 2 hours ago, is it too soon to eat?".

But wait, if you are a binge eater: how did I lose all the weight?

Just looking at my numbers, you wouldn't know that I am in constant battle over food. It's been a mental challenge for sure. But I have implemented strategies to deal with it- I don't eat 'junk food'; I try to avoid foods that spike my blood sugar; I try to eat fats at every meal to keep me satiated. But with that said, I can still overdo on 'healthy' food like nut-butters or paleo-converted desserts. I'm trying to limit those binge urges.

Through my research, I've discovered the 'binge' voice. I've discovered that this voice is not unique to me. I found this post from "Brain over Binge" which summed up the voice nicely:

"It is my belief that in bulimia/BED, the urges to binge are the one and only cause of binge eating. Most of the time, these urges have a "voice" - one that sounds like your own - which strongly encourages the destructive eating behavior. In bulimia/BED, the woman usually views the voice as her enemy; she knows (at least on some level) that the voice is not expressing what she truly wants."

Understanding the theory behind my urges will help me overcome my food obsession. Because when you finally accepts things, you have to make a choice: status quo or change. You (I) can no longer hide your (my) head in the sand. There is no longer any mystery behind something when you define it. And that is what I set out to do.